What are Feelings For?
A workshop with Bridget Belgrave
Notes by Abi Clancey
Whilst setting up our space in Soho House
Jacek was telling me a little more about Nonviolent Communication (NVC). What really stuck with me was when he told me
how some people call it Giraffe Language to represent the compassion behind the
work. Who knew giraffe’s had the biggest
hearts of all land mammals!
We started the day with what Bridget called
a data round where we all gave our name, what school we were training at /
graduated from and where we had come from that day. Something Bridget wanted us to play with
throughout the day was how we were feeling in ourselves and how we felt
connected to each other, giving us the opportunity to practice understanding
and being able to communicate our feelings at any given time. In line with this after doing the data round
we then did a ‘feelings’ round where we each said how we were feeling at that
moment and about the day ahead. This
second round caused a complete change of atmosphere. There was now an openness and ease within the
group. It was time to get started.
To understand NVC more Bridget talked us
through the creator Marshall Rosenberg’s background, helping us understand why
he called the work NVC, something a few of us were struggling to understand and
something I would like to share here. Marshall
Rosenberg originally referred to the work as Compassionate Communication but at
that time the non-violent movement was being brought to everyone’s attention
through people like Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi. Because of this Marshall’s first book was
titled Nonviolent Communication and after that the name stuck.
For our first exercise we split into groups
of three and wrote down what we’d heard or read about when relating to feelings
in the context of the Alexander Technique.
Here are just a few...
- There is nothing right or wrong
- Emotional gusts
- Feelings are acceptable
- Feelings can be held and supported in the body
- You can’t change what you feel but you can change what you think
We then took a moment with ourselves to sit
with these feelings becoming aware of how we felt discussing them. This space gave us the time to notice our
relationship with the different feelings and how they affected us. Each
of these steps preparing us further for Bridget’s invitation into the beginning
of NVC work.
Bridget then asked us to define ‘feelings’
whilst she noted them on the below diagram.
Whilst discussing these different feelings
something that I found useful was when Bridget mentioned that when we are with
someone who is overwhelmed by emotion we must realize that for this person the
feeling they are experiencing is their truth.
It is all they’ve got in that moment.
This immediately gave the discussion a much more empathetic feel.
Bridget then started to walk us through the
four elements of NVC (Giraffe Language!).
The first element being Observations,
all the external information that we can see and hear. When being able to clarify our observations we
establish a shared understanding with the other person of what happened that
has stimulated our feelings.
The second element is Feelings which for many of us we began to realize can be very hard
to put into words. Most of us had a
tendency to talk about our thoughts as opposed to our feelings.
The third element is Needs. Bridget very kindly
shared the moment NVC became revolutionary for her, and then in turn for me
also. The feelings we experience have
much more to do with our needs than what is happening around us. Our human needs are universal. As Jacek said, ‘some of our needs not being
met is what we all have in common’. With a deeper understanding of this element in
the work Bridget guided us to realize for ourselves that when you talk to
people about their needs it is very respectful place to be in and causes a
shift in the conversation. A shift that
can bring more openness, empathy and understanding to what might have been a
difficult conversation.
It doesn’t make us feel any better when we
tell someone that because of something they’ve done we don’t feel good. This feels like blame which is something NVC
helps us to get away from. With this
understanding we can start to realize that if we are feeling uncomfortable and
experiencing difficult emotions it is because some need is not being met. So it is not because of what the other person
did, you don’t need to take it personally but explore what need is not being
met. How liberating this could be if put into
practice. Bridget then asked us to think
of a situation in our minds where we needed support but we didn’t get it. What emotions do we feel?
The fourth element is Requests. The requests are
communications about strategies to help meet the need, whether it is request
towards others or ourselves. Needs are
universal whereas strategies are personally relevant to you. When discussing this we very quickly learnt
that if you let judgments come into the conversation it is very hard to get
creative with the strategies.
Something that Bridget said which I found
very interesting was that when people feel understood they are willing to
listen to a different opinion. Although
this moment only lasts for about 20 seconds! Understanding someone’s needs means you
connect so we are using NVC to form a connection.
We then rounded up our discussions to break
for lunch. Bridget reminded us again
that what people do is always an attempt to meet a present need, a need that is
important to them in that moment and left us with that as we ventured outside
into the busyness that is Soho.
After lunch we started with a word round
again but this time we had to say, in one word, how we were feeling (examples
being tired, content and intrigued).
After which Bridget asked us to share what need we were able to fulfill
over our lunch break.
We talked about practicing NVC on a daily
basis. Bridget suggested that we needed
to practice our focus on putting into words our feelings and recommended asking
ourselves the below questions at the end of each day.
What am I feeling now?
What are a couple of needs I had met today?
What are a couple of needs I didn’t have
met today?
We then delved deeper into the four
elements of NVC and how we can go about practicing them and making them a part
of our everyday lives. There were a few
things that I found really helpful so would briefly like to share with
you.
- Bridget explained that with observation it can be very helpful to be specific, and to refer to how you know this, e.g. I heard this… I saw this…
- It can be easy to make an interpretation as opposed to an observation which became obvious when working through the different exercises.
- When taking steps to understand our needs we should always be careful to keep the separation between need and strategy.
- With requests we need to be careful to make sure they are not demands. It is also helpful that if we are wanting to ask a request of someone to be simple and clear with the request and have a timeline.
We then moved into our next exercise where
in pairs we placed on the floor A5 size cards.
These showed key words for learning NVC such as:
Observations
Feelings
Needs
Requests
This is something that Bridget and Gina
Lawrie developed called NVC Dance Floors.
To learn more please visit www.NvcDanceFloors.com.
We thought of a situation in our life
(nothing too difficult) and then with our partner moved step by step from one
card to the next starting with observations.
Becoming aware when observations could become interpretations, feelings
become thoughts etc. It was actually
much harder than we first thought it would be but for some it led to
fascinating realizations and discoveries, myself included. It was
not only an energizing exercise and experiment but something we all learnt a
huge amount from.
Towards the end of the workshop we
discussed how we can bring NVC to our teaching.
Listening is an important part of NVC.
One feels relieved and empowered when we realize the need behind
something that is happening within ourselves or with another. Bridget spoke of how it is important to notice
the moment in a lesson when we start to feel uneasy and that maybe what your
student is saying or how they are acting is not appropriate or not what you are
appropriately trained to deal with. Be
authentic and true to yourself and talk to them about this openly. Just be honest. Then, in a role play exercise one of us was a
new pupil and the person playing the teacher would listen to the pupil and see
if they could tune in to their needs for coming to the lesson. An interesting exercise that got us all
practicing listening for someone’s needs.
Then sadly the workshop had to come to and
end. Can you guess how we ended this
brilliant workshop? We shared one word
expressing how we felt. This gave us the
opportunity to not only practice the work of understanding and verbalizing how
we were feeling but also a moment to reflect on all we had learnt that day. A truly incredible day.
Marshall Rosenberg passed away on 7th February 2015.
Marshall Rosenberg passed away on 7th February 2015.
Please visit Bridget’s website to learn
more about all she offers www.LifeResources.org.uk. After our workshop several people expressed
interest in participating in a one-day workshop so it is likely Bridget will
set these up specifically for AT people.
If you are interested in this visit her website where you can request to
be added to her mailing list and mention that you are an AT student or teacher,
if you are.
